The one with the joke

So there I was minding my own business walking around the hallways of the school I was working in on that given day. In truth, I was just killing time and looking for someone to talk to. And there they were, two Arab teachers.

I had in my hands some IELTS papers that I wanted to give to specific teachers, without even realizing it these two teachers had taken the papers out of my hands and then they said a word in Arabic that I didn’t understand. They were two good friends of mine, they were distinctly different in appearance, one was a tall, well built man wearing glasses that remind me of Deidre Barlow off Corrie for some reason. The other was a shorter, stouter fellow, with a moustache that curled on each end like an ancient sword.

Anyway you get the picture, so the guy with the glasses said to the other one in Arabic, ‘tell him the joke, tell him the joke”; at this point they burst out into uncontrollable laughter, then again, then again; they then stopped themselves and looked at me, and burst out laughing again.
This was going to be one mother of a joke; I licked my lips in anticipation…..I still had to wait a little for them to stop rolling around like someone was tickling their bellies or something.

Finally they were ready, the anticipation was grating me, they began.

“there was a frog on the ground, a man walked up to it, he put his foot on the frog and squeezed it until its eyes popped out, he then said “Are you surprised?”

They then proceeded to burst out laughing again, I was giggling at them, no idea what the joke meant. They then kept saying “Are you surprised” and then becoming hysterical again.

Throughout the course of the day I would bump into these teachers, I’d say to them ‘Are you surprised?” and they would crumple up in laughter again. I would walk around the school to have the words “Are you surprised?” shouted at me with them same two teachers giggling uncontrollably.

Somehow, it must be funny in Arabic. But in English….. 

Breast Cancer Run 2008

My wife was due to go on a walk for the Tawam Breast Cancer fund raising event. I planned out my day, home alone (ish).

 
8 am: PES 2009; time to win a few trophies
9 am: Order some freshly squeezed Pomegranate juice with a hint of sugar as I lie back on the sun chairs in the garden
10 am: Text the Mrs and tell her I’m bored
11 am: Lie back on the couch with the Laptop
12am: time to order some food, cut my hair, have a bath; it’s pampering time
1 pm: time to pick up the Mrs; tell her again how bored I’d been

 
However, my strategically planned sun filled morning had been thrown into Chaos; the woman my wife was going with had inexplicably pulled out. Lame as ever; in I stepped. After all it was only 5kms ………….what????? I only move reasonably quickly when there’s a ball bouncing in front of me, this was going to be tough. 

 
However, being an ex athlete ( I have a 12 meter swimming certificate from Primary School, I would have got the 24 meter had I not begun to drown after 12 meters….) I knew it was all about preparation, mentality and stamina.

Stage 1 Preparation;

Find your venue, know your competitors, look for the ones to beat.

 

 

 

Stay focused, don’t let any distract you………….ahhh burger stand……

Eat only the finest cuisine, full of proteins, carbohydrates and urhhh…….ooopsss

 

 

 

 

Be in the front row when the race begins, lead from the front…..

 

 

 

Stage 2 Mentality;

Never keep an eye on how much there is to go, keep pushing yourself….
2k’s done…………….ohhh man

 

 

 

 

 

5k’s done……..will this never end?

 

 

 

 

 

Stage 3: Stamina

Sprint to the end, don’t let anyone beat you….. 

 

 

 

 

If that fails…..stand like you’ve just won the race……………

 

 

 

 

I came, I ate, I was bloody sore.

Al’s trip to the desert

An Emirati friend of mine told me he had some land in the desert; here he keeps his camels, goats and all the rest of his animals.

One evening just before Maghrib we decided to go for a drive and spend a bit of time in the desert. Literally, two turns away from my house we approached a dirt-track which took us deep into the desert.

 

 

 

 

Amazingly, hundreds of areas have been created within the desert; here the people who are fortunate enough to own animals keep them.

 

 

 

 

I’d never come face to face with a camel before, I was amazed at the sheer size and beauty of these animals. Their eating manners certainly leave a lot to desire, but I’ve seen worse……….

Apparently, there are different types of camels; the racing camels can be worth around a million dirham’s apparently, whereas other camels are not quite as expensive. The people who breed these racing camels have to know the lineages of the camel itself to demonstrate that it’s a pure camel; can you imagine someone naming the six grandfathers of their camel? I can’t even name one grandfather of my own never mind a camel…

 
The male camel was in a different enclosure, separated from all the females; you can tell the difference between the male and female camels quite easily, the males are substantially larger and just look a lot sterner than the females.

 

 

 

 

I managed to get close to some of the female camels; meet Mamdoudh, here we’re sharing some quality time together….masha’Allah such beautiful creatures.

 

 

 

 

Then, the best part of all, sunset in the desert;

 

 

 

 

The Emiratis seem to come out to the desert regularly, it was amazing the sense of peace and tranquility I felt being away from the world. I can see why they come out to the desert, it feels almost like a cleansing to be at one with simplicity; suddenly you hear and feel things you tend to forget in the hussle and bussle of the real world.
Listening to my friend speak, he talks of how he grew up in a hut in the desert, and how much he misses simplicity, how much more life has been complicated by the immense amount of money earned by this country. How family ties are now that much harder to keep, how friends are that bit more difficult to trust, how society isn’t quite what it used to be.
It really is the simple things in life that give the heart tranquility; during our endless pursuit of the world, its glitz and glamour, we tend to forget the things that will truly satisfy our souls.
I’d recommend anyone to get out into the desert, after a little quality time, see how you feel.

9 things I’d eat/ drink if I was in Manchester right now…………………..

9. Irn Bru: Yes it’s the Amber Nectar itself, surely no fizzy drink in the long history of fizzy drinks can ever compare to this colossus of carbonated concoctions! Unfortunately it’s not available in Al Ain- if only the economy knew what it’s missing….

8. Sanam Chicken Buna: Sanam we all know is the king of all restaurants on Wimmy Road, and their Chicken Buna is the lick.  I can just picture the soft green peppers, the aromatic tomatoes, and the chicken that crumbled in your mouth….

7. McCoys Cheese and Onion Crisps:  How I remember the ridges, the thick potato, that cheesy taste that made your tongue tingle. I think I need to lie down………

6. Greggs Tuna Crunch Sandwich: Oh boy, my mouths salivating just at the thought of it- if you haven’t tried this then get yourself down to Greggs and buy one. Simply the best sandwich ever!

5.  Oxford Road student pizzas:  These pizzas are literally “da bomb”; 3 odd squid and you have a pizza in less than 5 minutes. And boy do they taste good, I remember late night trips out to buy these things- they were just that good.

4. Good ‘ol British Fish ‘n Chips:  Yes I know it’ll probably give me a heart attack after a couple of bites, but hey it’s worth it isn’t it? You can’t get proper battered cod out here, and chippy chips??? Don’t get me started….

3. Greggs Cheese and Onion Pasty! It’s weird you hear everyone from the UK mention Greggs at some point, I have to admit the pasties are pretty darn good. So, for that reason alone the pasty shoots in at number 3!

2. Kansas chicken burger:  I’ve eaten literally everything on the menu at Burger King, KFC, Hardees, Herfys, McDonalds (everything’s halal remember!) and guess what? Not a patch on a Kansas Chicken Burger. All you guys in Manc, get down there and have one on my behalf, e-mail me and tell me just how it tastes……. Btw in a recent survey of people who use this laptop, Kansas Chicken Burgers were found to be the number one chicken burger in the entire world!

1. “Abduls” Seekh kebab: I can just taste the sumptuous lamp melting in my mouth, the soft naan, with the yoghurt slowly drizzling on top…………….hmmmmm kebab……..I’ll tell you all for a fact that this is undoubtedly the best kebab on the entire planet! How do I know? Well I flew over half of it remember

New additions to the family

I guess it was inevitable; you can’t live in the UAE and not acquire an animal shelter’s worth of pets in your home. The situation here for cats in particular is dire, there’s countless numbers of strays roaming the streets and scavenging in the bins.

Just today I drove around two cats that were run over in the street; this is common. The second one particularly disturbed me because you could see organs everywhere, people had driven over it that many times.

About a month ago, just outside the compound of my villa we discovered a female cat that had given birth to three kittens; they were all obviously ill which again is quite common due to the conditions they live in. They were also malnourished and extremely weak, we ventured out each night with a bowl of food to feed these cats whilst keeping one eye out for fugly should he attack and kill the poor things.

We watched these cats as the weeks went by and the kittens grew older, we could see their personalities forming along with their physical features; we could also see the chances that they would survive decreasing as they would eventually separate from the mother.

So one day I grabbed two of the kittens and took them home, our original aim was to keep them until we could get them treated for their illnesses, and then keep one. But as time went on they grew on us, we had them treated and now they’ve formed a permanent home within ours.

So, say hello to Mini-Mao (nearest) (my older cat is called Mao and this one just looks the same, so in true Dr Evil style “I shall call her Mini- Mao” sticks finger beneath mouth) and Peachy (furthest)

Here they are knocked out on their scratch mat climby thing!

 

 

Peachy chillin on my lap

Tough life for Mini Mao

Peachy is the bigger

The Beast of Towayya: Unveiled…….

I was now in a predicament, the beast was no longer patrolling my shores but I knew it was still at large. The question is, do I hunt it down mercilessly or do I wait for it to overstep its mark? Having pondered over both possible outcomes I decided it was a little drastic to devote my life to hunting down the beast. Surely, this is the humane option, if it leaves me a lone I will reciprocate, if it messes with me it’ll get another no nonsense introduction to my big toe.

I just need to remember to wear shin pads next time……….

Like a bank security guard I did my rounds each night, I’d walk into the kitchen around 10pm, pull open the second draw which housed the torch of light- this torch is powerful enough to be used as the bat signal. It also hosted the hammer: in the event of an attack this would be my companion. I grip the torch tightly, ready to move at will, whilst the hammer fits loosely into my palm- ready to swing and strike.

I’d then climb down three stairs onto the concrete path at the side of the house, I’d swing one way and then the other- making sure the coast is clear. It’s a long path that you come out into the middle of, and it seems to go on forever when you’re moving by torch-light.  I’d then proceed to the grass area around the corner; here there are bushes, water tanks and even a set of spiraling stairs that lead to the roof. The beast could be anywhere, the torch and the hammer move in tandem, one protecting the other.

Poor Mao rubs up against my legs having no idea what I’m doing. All clear. Time to return back to the concrete path and proceed to the other end of the garden, this end is littered with bad memories, this is where Mao was overcome by the beast, I’d reach the end of the path and turn right- I’d scan with my torch- again, all clear.

This became an almost OCD’ish routine, every night I’d sleep heavier knowing the garden was clear.

Many weeks later; I met some neighbors who abide in the villa directly behind mine.  I asked them about the beast, had they ever encountered it? They replied in the affirmative, in fact the beast seeks its sustenance from this neck of the woods.

They told me through pity they began to feed it regularly, however they daren’t approach it. It started seeking refuge in the villa after its many pursuits. Apparently it’s come with chunks of its neck missing and covered in blood on many occasions. This beast is something else.

They’ve even named the beast: “Fugly”, the “f” standing for a well known expletive. If there ever was a photofit description, surely this is it.

After continued patrols of the compound, fugly was inconspicuously absent, not a sight, not a hair or even a paw. Perhaps that flying Mancunian shin did the trick. I’ve now begun to decrease the regularity of my patrols, the enemy has been defeated.

During my regular conversations with the neighbors, I’ve seen fugly hiding in the distance. The recognition can be seen in its eyes, it doesn’t dare venture within any distance.

Having pulled out my phone, this is the opportunity all avid readers have been waiting for, a picture of the fugly beast of Towayya.

Fugly can be seen in the background, with the misshaped head and the huge body. One can even see the evil emanating from it which was miraculously captured on camera.

Be afraid, be very afraid……….

 

The beast of Towayya

When I moved to my Villa a couple of months ago the previous tenants told us an almost mythical story; typically, a creature which frequents these parts. They came to this Villa a couple of years ago, bringing with them a beloved pet; a cat (or maybe 2). This villa with all its beauty was chosen for one simple reason: the cat-proof garden. Here the furry extended member of the family will remain safe in a nice grass enclosed area with high fences.

However, they spoke of the terror they had experienced at the paws of the “Beast of Towayya” as I’ve become to call it (Towayya is the name of the area). The beast is a well known “tom-cat” that runs these streets. The previous tenants lost the life of their cat due to the beast and apparently many other local cats have suffered a similar fate.

Glancing at the fence which is up to my shoulder height I was rather skeptical, surely a cat can’t jump this? It’s gonna need some kind of kitty version of a pole vault to jump this fence!

Many weeks later…………..

Having settled into my new home, one night whilst strolling into the garden I heard rustling in the bushes. I looked everywhere and due to the darkness of the night I couldn’t see a thing. When suddenly; something flew across the garden and jumped over the fence with immense ferocity: I was positive it was a dog of some sort- it looked like a pit bull. How the fence was still intact I had no idea, this thing was seriously powerful.

I was shocked at what I had seen; hopefully this encounter would be the last one.

Some weeks later whilst walking around the front of the house I saw something sitting outside, I approached it, it was definitely a pit bull, black and white in color. It had no fur, just a pure muscular build, that was until I got closer- this thing was some sort of cat. It just nonchalantly looked at me and looked away. I steadily approached it, keeping one eye on my own ankles, it didn’t flinch, it had no fear. I realized that I’d have to chase it away so I took a deep breathe and ran after it Mr Bean style hoping it wouldn’t come towards me. It casually strolled off; this was an animal with attitude. If it had a middle finger, surely it would have raised it in my direction.

Naively, I thought that was it, I’ve chased it away, it’s not going to come back again. A few weeks later I looked out the kitchen window and there it was sat in the middle of my grass- I couldn’t believe the gall of this animal. I grabbed the broom and rushed into the garden, the huge fat thing could barely run, I had it within range all I needed to do know was give it a good ‘lick” (note: Mancunian slang for a good beating) with the broom. I hurtled towards it almost falling over as half my body trailed behind the other half, I was now in range, I extended my arm backwards and then with an almighty swing……I couldn’t do it, I just felt bad. Maybe the ugly little thing isn’t so bad after all. I gently smacked it’s backside as it went over the fence with a tremendous leap. Surely now that’s it?

Well, one night I was tucked up in bed, crocodile rolling in the duvet- in my element. Suddenly a loud scream of a cat filled the room-this didn’t sound good. I flew down the stairs and grabbed my torch (which I use to water the garden at night). I ran straight out and scoured the grass and the bushes. My eyes were chasing the glare of the torch around the garden, I was ready to swing for something or run depending on what that something was, but…nothing. Every little sound was making me jump as my heart was racing: suddenly the world became a noisy place and I could here all sorts of noises- but still no sign of my cat Mao, where on earth was she? I meandered around the garden to a concrete area located near the front of the house, here where we tend to dry our clothes. Whilst aimlessly flashing the torch around, suddenly I saw Mao cowering on a windowsill. She was shaking; her ears were back, and something was clearly wrong. I shined the torch down and there it was- the beast. It took one look at me and literally hurled itself over the fence. My poor Mao, all my feelings of being kind to the beast and the benefit of the doubt were now gone….it was now time for some action.

A couple of weeks later I was about to drive out of my compound with the family when suddenly I spotted the beast walk into my compound, it went and sat under a 4×4. It was at this moment I realized I had a priceless opportunity to deal with this thing, it was now or perhaps never. Up came the handbrake and out I went, I walked up to the 4×4 and looked under. This thing was a monster, it’s head is disproportionally gigantic compared to its body, it was covered in scars and traces of blood and it was bloody huge. It had no fur whatsoever (like all native cats out here) and all I could see was pure muscle. This thing would eat a small dog for breakfast- never mind a cat. It doesn’t seem to show any fear, no panic , nothing- like it knows It’s a bad-boy.

I was stood by the side of the 4×4 which was next to the large gate that one can exit from- I thought if it tries to escape this will be the way it goes- I sent the family around the other side of the car like some kind of strategic military commander, I was going to flush out the enemy. I had a plan.

Before I knew, it made a run for the gate- just as I thought. It didn’t run at any great speed- it’s too tough to run- I get the feeling it would walk even if a car was going to hit it. I kept saying to myself- think of what it will do to Mao if you don’t deal with it, I knew I was too soft to hurt it, but I knew I had to. Within a flash it was near my leg- and simply I blanked out. The moment was so quick I can barely remember it.

Within a split second I swung back my leg and kicked with everything I had- it was the kind of kick that Roberto Carlos would have been proud of. As my leg swung the beast was in the perfect position. And then…… WHHHHAMMMMMMMMMMM! I connected in its midrift, which sent the beast shooting through the air, it connected about a meter and a half up in the air when it hit the fence and landed right next to me. It immediately got up and looked at me, I took a step back as it hissed and snarled- I still had no idea what I was doing, then it casually ran away.

I was in pure shock, I couldn’t believe what I had done- but I knew it was necessary. I looked down at my shin- I’d kicked it so hard my shin had bruised and I’d lost a huge area of skin- it was like kicking a couple of bags of potatoes- that thing was solid- unbelievably solid.

I saw it as it walked across the road- no signs of pain nothing and off it went. I was amazed it was still alive, but worse still- It seemed to have done more damage to me than I had done to it. I limped back into the car and off I went.

The subsequent days after, I kept an eye out for the beast- hoping that it wouldn’t appear again. A week later I saw it strolling the neighborhood- it stopped and sat on the main road, eyeballed me in an almost “I’ll get you back” kind of way- I sprinted towards it as it jumped into another Villa.

This is not over……………………..

Ramadhan Kareem all!

Before every Ramadhan I like to go through a little check list with myself which insha’Allah will help me focus for Ramadhan. I thought I’d post it up, this is a reminder first and foremost to myself.

1.    Be grateful that you have the opportunity to fast another Ramadhan. Remember the companions would make dua after Ramadhan had finished for the chance of being able to fast another one.

 

2.    Do not be like those whom the Prophet (sallallahu’alayhi wa sallam) described as getting nothing from their fast except hunger. Reflect on your actions.

 

3.    Remember the narration of those who do not give up worthless talk and how Allah is in no need of their fasts. Reflect on your speech.

 

4.    Remember the rewards in store for each and every action- now is the time to harvest.

 

5.    Remember this is the month of the Qur’aan, a time to savour and enjoy its unique and limitless beauty.

 

6.    Remember that when you die both your fasts and the Qur’aan can be an intercessor for you.

 

7.    Remember the life of this world is a passing enjoyment and soon it will be gone and you will be left with your deeds alone.

 

8.    Remember when you feel the pangs of hunger, that millions all over the world feel this everyday. What can you do to help them now you understand a fraction of how they feel?

 

9.    Remember this is the month of charity- give and do not withhold in this month.

 

And Allah knows best.

Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan Mosque

If you haven’t heard of it then here are some facts and figures:

• Full name of the mosque is Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan Mosque, named after the first president and founder of the UAE, who was buried at the Mosque site after his death on 03 November 2004.
• The Sheikh Zayed Mosque is the third largest in the world according to the General Secretariat Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC), the Research Centre for Islamic History, Art and Culture in Turkey. The two mosques in Mecca and Medina in Saudi Arabia are larger.
• The mosque is located between Mussafah bridge and Maqta bridge in the emirate of Abu Dhabi.
• Area of the Shaikh Zayed Mosque is 22,412 square meters. The 4 minarets are 107 meters high.
• An Iranian carpet placed in the main prayer hall, woven by about 1200 Iranian women, is 5000 sq m and is the largest hand-woven carpet in the world, made out of 35 tons of wool and cotton. Cost AED 30 million, delivered to Abu Dhabi in early August 2007.
• The seven chandeliers in the mosque cost about AED 30 million.
• The main dome is the largest in the world and is 87 meters high with a diameter of 32.8 meters. There are a total of 82 domes in the mosque, of traditional Moroccan design.
• The courtyard will have a total of 1048 columns.
• The Qibla wall will be lit by about 250 EFO illuminators from Fiberstars EFO – a supplier of fiber optics.
• Construction materials and components are sourced from Germany, Greece, Iran, Italy.
• About 1500 workers involved in construction
• About 40,000 worshippers can be accommodated
• Main prayer hall can accommodate 5000 worshippers

When you drive over the Maqta bridge in to Abu Dhabi your suddenly hit with the most breathtaking sight, it’s almost unreal it’s so impressive. This is the view from the car park.

 

This picture doesn’t quite capture the size, but it gives you an idea.

 

 

The mosque has a guided tour which takes place from 9.30am each day excluding Friday and Saturday, the tour lasts about 45 mins to an hour and I would thoroughly recommend it. The tour guide is an Australian woman who has been involved in the building of this mosque hence she has background knowledge about pretty much anything and everything to do with this Mosque. She’s also a Muslim convert and she gives non- Muslims a friendly oppurunity to ask any questions regarding Islam as a whole.

During the tour you can take as many snaps as you want, once inside the main hall I took some snaps…

This picture gives you a glimpse at the multi-faceted interior of the mosque, architecturally it’s quite amazing. At the end you can see the stain glass windows, reminiscent of churches you see all over England. You’ll see an array and a mix of Arab, Greek, Italian, and Taj Mahal style designs all over this Masjid.

 

This I think the woman said is the largest Chandelier in the world weighing many tones (unfortunately due to my age, facts and figures tend to disappear!) It has a 10 meter diameter and 15 meters in height (good old wikepedia!)

 

 

This is the back wall that is light by very subtle lighting, it’s quite stunning:

 

 

 

One of my favourite parts of the main prayer hall is the wall which has Allah’s names written upon it. It’s the size of an olympic swimming pool!

 

 

With a bit of zoom….

 

 

 

These are the doors that lead into the main prayer hall:

 

 

 

I found this quite breathtaking, of the 82 domes I believe each one has a different internal design when you walk under it. This one I found amazing , it has Soorah Rahmaan inscribed around the inside. The domes tend to have different Arabic writing styles within them as well.

 

 

These chandeliers when lit are quite breathtaking

 

 

 

And this umm…well…..I know what I think it looks like…….beam me up Scotty!!!!

 

 

 

This mosque seems to have a North, south,  east and west Wudhu area: In the middle is a huge fountain, unfortunately it was off when we took these pics.

 

 

Here are some pictures of the courtyard within the mosque:

 

As you can see there’s still a lot of construction going on:

 

 

 

If  you ever come to the Emirates then this is certainly somewhere to visit, oh and like most things here it’s free! 

Go-Karting in Al Ain

Quite recently, the first go-karting track in Al Ain was opened by some British Company, so as always it was our duty to check it out. Come to think of it, I’ve been driving like an absolute nutcase out here anyway so it was time to see what I could do on the track! Having destroyed at least three hire cars I thought it would be nice to try something different.

The place itself is in the middle of nowhere, once you go in you see the karts on display, don’t they just leave you salivating? Apparently these babies do 40-50 mph, which will do….for now that is…

The cost is around 200 dirhams (around 28 quid) which is steep for over here. Once booked in you and your team have to go through a debriefing on track safety etc. You go through a list of flags, each flag signifies a different kind of offence or punishment, and I can tell you what all of the mean; The red fag is ….ummm ……and the yellow flag is ….ummmm….. well what more is there to know, they wave, I wave back it’s all good

Once through the debriefing you go outside and your assigned a car ( I was car number 2), You pre-choose your type of race, we chose ten mins of qualifiying for which fastest lap determines your position on the grid:

Before you start it’s time to get kitted out, on come the outfits (I had some green suit which made me look like the jolly green giant!!) and then the granny hats…. For all of you out there who wondered what I would look like in a granny hat here it is……….

And for everything else there’s MasterCard!

Ten minutes of qualifying and we’re away………

Ten minutes felt like hours, the go karts have these digital displays which tell you you’re fastest lap and in which position you are currently in, I was first until the last lap, and I qualified in third. The thing you have to be prepared for especially in the desert is the heat, you’ll become dehydrated, at any point during qualifying or indeed the race you can come off the track if you need to.

So here we were on the grid: I was in third spot ready for the grueling twenty minute race.

So off we went, and immediately I fell into fourth- I wasn’t paying attention lol

We went around the track about 3 times and I realized that the three people ahead of me were absolute nutcases and it was only a matter of time until they wiped each other out, and surely enough……………..

Then yours truly was first for a couple of….a few….actually the entire race- 30 odd laps later………

In the words of Highlander, “There can be only one!”